List of things you are not to do in Torchwood 3
by Renart
Summary: What it says on the tin. #94. Reversing the polarity does not work on Rift Manipulator. Enjoy!
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: *waving psychic paper around* see?

Warning: slight DW x-over

Spoilers: Curse of the Fatal Death (* see #13)

**List of things not to do in Torchwood Cardiff**

(page 1)

I will never ever open the Rift. _Proviso_: unless the Doctor tells me do so.

I will not shag Jack no matter how much I want to, Ianto might object. Or Gwen.

I will not play Eurythmics "I saved the world today" on penalty of cleaning Weevils' cages for the rest of the year.

Or "Hot'n'cold" for that matter.

Or "She Wolf" when last of the Time Lords graces our humble Hub by his presence.

Let's stick to Glen Miller, folks. OK?

I won't play ninjas with Jack. Yes, he can't die. It's still cruel.

I won't try to get Owen drunk. It was disgusting even before he died.

I won't techno-bubble for five moments and conclude it with crushed "I'm so sorry. From the bottom of my hearts." Jack might not get the joke.

I won't try to convince Tosh that papier-mâché copy of Star Gate is real alien tech.

I won't choose "Titanic" for team night. Jack was on real thing. Twice.

I will not have sex with aliens. M-mm… OK, I'll try not to do it too often.

I won't tell Jack that Rowen Atkinson might be the Doctor. It's still cruel.

I won't play silly child games. "I have never" just doesn't work with Jack. Neither does "I spy", for different reason so.

I won't spray fans of Britney Spears with airborne retcon. It's highly expensive drug. And we are not humanitarian organization.

I won't tell Ianto that Jack run away with his alien ex-boyfriend, again. I like my coffee fresh and hot.

I won't tell Gwen that too. She is scary.

I won't encourage Jack to acquire a spaceship. He just might.

Or order proper uniform for us. Ianto likes his suits. So does Gwen her leaser jackets.

Bursting into the Hub with cries "Aliens are coming!" is out of question too. Even if it's April 1st.

I won't use Jack for moving target practice.

Or Owen for that matter.

I won't try to arrest the Doctor. Yes, it's in our charter. So what?

I won't teach weevils Galactic Standard. We don't want troubles with Shadow proclamation after all.

I will not run away with passing by alien tourist. Doctor is exception, per usual.

A/N: I consider it Round Robin i.e. you send me you addition to list and I'll post them with proper credentials. Updates will be sporadical so. As the muse hits.


	2. page 2

Disclaimer: *waving psychic paper around* see? *giving it a puzzled look* oops! Useless thing that paper is anyway.

Warning: slight DW and SJA x-over

# 44 goes to FanGirl Moment xD and # 48 - to Djaq in a Box. So I touched them up a little bit.

And off we go!

**List of things**** you are not to do in Torchwood Cardiff**

(page 2)

I won't tease Ianto. Yes, he gets "Man for all seasons" as a ringtone. So what? No one is perfect. It's all Jack fault anyway.

I won't let Rhys feed the weevils. They got ill afterwards. And he won't be cleaning up.

Bringing Jack decaf is bad idea. Anyway I'd better stick to my own duties.

I will not recruit Luke Smith. Yes, he is genius. But Sara-Jane will kill us all, except Jack that is.

I will not wear old T-sheet with "Vote for Saxon" sigh on it. It's good T-shirt, but Very. Bad. Idea.

I will not spend weekend on Bahamas and blame it all on the Rift. People tried.

I won't give complete "Highlander" set to Jack as Christmas present. He is immortal. I'm not.

I will not whistle theme from "Man in Black."

Or "Ghost Busters." Yep, bad idea.

I won't pester Tosh to make me a real light saber. She can. But Jack will nick it anyway.

I will not take over the world. It's in my contract.

Even if I have cool mysterious alien fob watch that tell me to do exactly this.

I will not shoot Captain John Hart. He is a bastard. Yes. But he is our bastard.

I will not switch Jack sugar with cyanide. It's unethical.

Or cocaine. There is enough workload as it is.

I won't suggest to Jack that he needs to get laid.

Or Ianto.

They know. And they will.

I will not touch coffee machine. One word only: decaf.

I will not order pizza under Torchwood name anymore. Yes, Owen does it. It's his bloody privilege. Posthumous.

And "Doctor Who" is bad anagram.

"Doctor How" is not much better.

I will not spread rumors that Michal Bieber is alien. He is not. Gwen checked.

Neither is Merlin Manson.

I won't ask Jack what precisely he means by "21st century is when everything changes." He is over 2000 years old. He does not remember.

A/N: Round Robin, folks! Join in!


	3. page 3

Disclaimer: *waving psychic paper around* see?

Warning: slight DW x-over + references to other popular fandoms.

Warning 2: # 56, 59 was shamelessly nicked from **Things Chief Skippy is no longer allowed to do on the Enterprise. **

**List of things ****you are not to do in Torchwood Cardiff**

(page 3)

I will not presume that something looking like sheep, walking like sheep and baaing like ship is indeed a sheep. It is Wales after all.

I will not write in suspicious black notebook labeled "Death Note." We work atop space-time rift. Who knows where it came from. Or what it does.

_Bloody Torchwood_ is not ultimate answer to life, the universe and everything.

I will not call our Hub Bat cave.

And Myfanwy is not our mascot too.

I will not create new levels of security clearance.

I will not call Jack guy. It's narrow-minded.

The main factor is not gender anyway. Or species.

If 'no one cares' that I do that, they wouldn't have made it illegal to do that. Ask Ianto. He will confirm.

I will not initiate Torchwood Lockdown just to have sex.

I will not tell Ianto that Force is strong in him.

Nor do I tell him that Gwen is his twin sister.

I will not carry towel with me just in case.

I will not let Captain John Hart sell Millennium Centre to aliens. Even for 50% from the deal.

Or Queen for that matter.

I will not give a parking ticket to the Doctor for leaving his spaceship on our invisible lift.

I will not try to convince Gwen that Harry Potter is real.

I will not call Owen zombie-boy. Even if it's technically true, it's still mean.

I will not disillusion Jack that Barcelona is not in fact a planet.

I will not blame everything on my evil alien clone. Even if Martha did.

I will not eat anything found in autopsy bay. Who knows what it is. Or where it came from.

I will not use particle moderator as a fridge. Jack is not my role model.

I will not throw our garbage into the Rift.

Elvis is alive. And yes, he is an alien. But we keep it to ourselves.

I will not use 42 as password to anything.

A/N: I am going to update Turn Right, it's just I got flu and that little parody cheers me up a bit.


	4. page 4

Disclaimer: *waving psychic paper around* see?

Warning: slight DW & SJA x-over + references to other popular fandoms.

**List of things ****you are not to do in Torchwood Cardiff**

(page 4)

I won't call the Doctor from Martha phone and whisper mysteriously "There is another one." He won't be amused.

I will not ask Jack if he ever met James T. Kirk. He probably did. And met is understatement.

I will not sing "Who wants to live forever" in his presence. That's inhuman.

I will not celebrate Halloween.

Neither will I participate in sci-fi convention.

April Fool Day is bad idea too.

I won't ask Jack to sing "I know him so well."

Especially if the Doctor is visiting.

I won't call Mainframe Jarvis.

I will not imply that Jack was born in Highlands of Scotland in late 16 century.

Nor will I insist that his real name is Methos.

While under influence of body swamping device I won't in Owen body have sex with Tosh in Jack's.

It's impossible. Owen is dead.

I will not accepts bets about the way Jack is about to die next.

Not after that accident with piano and forty-five storey building.

I will not keep a random alien lifeform as a pet.

Even if it looks like a Pokemon.

I will not initiate lockdown to make a point.

_Reversing the __polarity_ does not work on Rift Manipulator.

Torchwood wasn't created because of these little gray men that crash-landed in Nevada desert.

It's Area 51.

So we did knock they ship out of orbit. What? They were peeping!

Ianto is not alien. And I will stop pestering Owen to check it out, again.

I will not retcon three noisy children from Ealing, London.

Chances are they are going to work here in a few years.

A/N: #92 was supposed to be that fluffy white thing that when watered turned into a monster and started breeding, but I completely forgot its name.


End file.
